A New Zealander has been convicted of common assault after chucking a hedgehog at a teenager. Luckily for the perp, the crime was downgraded from the more serious charge of assault with a deadly weapon.

Police said he threw the animal at the 15-year-old in the street, hitting him in the hip, leaving a welt and four quills embedded in him.

William Singalargh, 27, denied the charge when he appeared in court at Whakatane. His lawyer claimed it was a case of mistaken identity, the TV3 channel reported.

But police constable Lyndon Reid said he arrested Singalargh soon after the assault on February 9 with probable cause.

“I asked him if he knew anything in relation to an assault using a hedgehog and he admitted being in possession of a hedgehog,” he said. (more)

I know “Noo Zihland” is supposed to be boring, but does PC Reid really have nothing better to do than craft ridiculous charges and official sounding statements about otherwise groundbreaking developments in slapstick comedy? I’m relieved that there was at least probable cause, although I’m confused as to whether the probable cause was irritation with the teenager or hatred of the hedgehog. My bet for probable cause is a litre and a half of gin, because God knows I’d be a full-blown alkie if I had to spend more than three weeks surrounded by a bunch of twats with a collective appreciation for the vowel that is at once both abhorrent to the ear and anathema to evolution.

William was a bit silly though. He shouldn’t have just admitted possession. He should’ve pleaded the fifth. And it would be interesting to know what the legal hedgehog limit in New Zealand is – that is to say: before the lesser charge of possession of a hedgehog for private consumption kicks up to the more serious charge of dealing. I assume that PC Reid, being the diligent plod that he clearly is, performed a full forensic examination of the hedgehog to see if he could match serial numbers, ballistics, quill-density and poop texture against all previously solved and unsolved hedgehog-related attacks in New Zealand during the past ten years. Everyone knows that the incidence of hedgehog-related violence has spiked in The Land of The Long White Cloud during recent years, with no less than 16 hedgehog-related murders of teenagers being reported since 1 January this year.

I suspect that more stringent regulation of hedgehog possession and the development of more rigorous enforcement measures will be prioritised in light of this latest incident, and would propose to PC Reid that a hedgehog amnesty be implemented immediately, affording owners of unlicensed hedgehogs the opportunity to hand them over to the police without fear of prosecution.

God help us all.

I can’t believe that this moronic shit makes news in New Zealand. Struth, Kiwis are boring.