Right now, in a ramshackle caravan office nestled deep in an overgrown parking lot in Kempton Park, Leon Schuster is nervously chewing on a styrofoam cup of Ricoffy as warm, bubbling poop trickles down the insides of his judrons. Because somewhere on the other side of the world, Matt Damon, Morgan Freeman and Clint Eastwood are on the brink of perfecting comedic alchemy. They’re oblivious to this near certainty, but Leon isn’t. Oh, Leon knows. He knows all too well. And he’s scared. Because if they play their cards right, Matt Damon, Morgan Freeman and Clint Eastwood might just end up responsible for the most devastatingly awesome contribution to South African culture that our country will ever know. Next to Joost and Amor. Or Amoost. Or JouMoer. I don’t know.
Matt Damon will join Morgan Freeman in the Clint Eastwood-directed rugby drama The Human Factor. Variety reports that Damon will play rugby star Francois Pienaar, who created, with Nelson Mandela, an event that gave South Africans a common cause to rally around as the country was trying to heal from the wounds of apartheid.
Freeman will play Mandela, who, after spending 27 years in prison, supported South Africa’s Springboks rugby club when the country was chosen to host the 1995 Rugby World Cup.
The film is based on the book The Human Factor: Nelson Mandela and the Game that Changed the World by John Carlin.
Shooting is set to begin early next year in South Africa. (more)
Oooh, oooh! Maybe they could rope in Charlize and Arnold Vosloo. That would be fucking A! Or even Gavin Hood. Yes, yes!! Gavin Hood! He could play Joel Stransky! And everyone could shout “Go! Go! Go! Go!” when he runs onto the field. I get misty-eyed just thinking about the potential! There’s just so much potential I just…can’t…take…it! It could be beautiful! And The Rock! Yes! The Rock could be Jonah Lomu! And Danny De Vito could be Zinzan Brooke!
Fuck it. Here’s the real team. Yo Clint – fuck Matt Damon. You can have my starting line-up for $100,000. It’s good as green and gold, buddy.
Andre Joubert: Tom Selleck
Chester Williams: Ice Cube
James Small: Christian Slater
Japie Mulder: Edward Norton
Hennie Le Roux: Tom Cruise
Joel Stransky: Ben Stiller
Joost Van Der Westhuizen: Nicholas Cage
Mark Andrews: John Travolta
Kobus Wiese: Sloth from The Goonies
Hannes Strydom: Will Ferrell
Francois Pienaar: Owen Wilson
Ruben Kruger: Alec Baldwin
Balie Swart: Jack Black
Chris Roussow: Jason Alexander (as George Costanza)
Os Du Randt: Phillip Seymour Hoffman
And Samuel L Jackson as Kitch Christie. Because a movie just isn’t a movie without Samuel L Jackson.
This flick just stinks of Oscar. It reeks of glory. And sequels. Lots and lots of sequels. Coming soon from Warner Brothers and Martin Scorsese: “2007″, with Orlando Bloom as Percy Montgomery and Queen Latifah as Thabo Mbeki. Hooray, South Africa! Our payday is nigh. Pretty soon we’ll all be wiping our asses with greenbacks.
Incidentally, did you know that Zinzan used to be Murray? He only changed his name after he started playing first-class rugby. Hahaha. Murray.