Heavy drinking David Hasselhoff had to be cooled off in a basement after he got shitfaced at Simon Cowell’s 50th birthday party and decked a doctor who had been called out to deal with him. All that’s missing from this story is guns. Guns and maybe a car chase.

The Sun has it all:

Staff at the five-star St Martins Lane Hotel manhandled the star to the basement while [Dr Paul] Ettlinger – said to have a bruised forehead – called for an ambulance.

Hasselhoff was taken to London’s £1,000-a-night Capio Nightingale Hospital, where he spent two nights in a private suite before he was discharged yesterday.

The bender began at the weekend when the US actor joined about 400 A-listers at X Factor supremo Simon Cowell’s posh birthday party.

He got smashed and was escorted out of a side door and back to the hotel.

A source close to the star said: “David is very hard to handle when he drinks, often very emotional and aggressive.

“On this occasion he became so drunk he wet his hotel bed – ruining two mattresses – and was becoming a real pain for staff.

“His assistant Joe Townley was so concerned he called out a doctor.

“David was furious and lashed out at him – but mistakenly hit the doctor.

“They decided they had no option but to lock him in the basement until an ambulance arrived.”

I can only hope and pray that when I hit his age, I’m still as much of a laugh riot as the Hoff is. He’s like the drunken stepfather I never had.