The South African legislature has taken a gigantic progressive leap in battling the spiralling domestic crime rate with its new Sexual Offences Act, which was signed by Uncle Thabs last Thursday. Everyone will be very impressed to know that it is now illegal for teenagers to engage in consenual PDAs. Hey, believe it!

Teenagers under the age of 16 caught kissing, touching or rubbing up against each other can be criminally charged.

Also illegal under the new act is any sexual activity, including oral sex, between consenting teens aged 15 and younger.

Haha! Poor little bastards. South African prisons will be overflowing with horny little zitballs!! Seriously though. Does the government actually plan on wasting everyone’s time and money policing this bullshit? So kids – next time you decide to, um, “feed the pony” aka strum a bit of frontbum during Forever Young or November Rain at around five-minutes-to-eleven at the old school social, keep an eye out for the fuzz. And I mean the cops. If you see a cute young thing with a moustache and a comb-over hanging by the speakers, watch out – she could be an undercover constable. And no-one wants to accidently ruin their evening by trying to slip a polisieman the barracuda.

I’ll concede the blowjobbing. Fine. But no more hickeys, pulling in, groping, 1st base, 2nd base, macking, pashing, licking, fingering, muffing, hand-jobs, dry-humping, panty-fucking, seven-minutes-in-heaven, spin-the-bottle, truth-or-dare, I-have-never, lipstick orgies or rainbow parties…or whatever other crazy things the kids these days are doing. Boo hoo. I think wanking’s still in, though.

Way to go, Mbeki. Of all the crap we need cleaned off our streets, it’s the slobbering, wheezing teenyboppers that’ll be least missed.

PS. I’m not being a total jerk – I’m sure there are some very good bits in the new Act. It’s just that this bit is fucking retarded.