When I was a lightie, my old man used to say to me: “Son, when you grow up, you can be anything you want to be”. Then he’d give me five bucks and pack me off to the bottle store for some box wine and John Player Specials, and if I was lucky enough to get back home within ten minutes, he wouldn’t klap me with the rubber hose. But that’s a whole other packet of kettle-fried crisps.

Ladies: when you’re young, the world is your oyster – no dream is beyond your reach! As such, the fact that so few of you look like the gorgeous Sonia Ferrer (sfw-ish) tells me that you’re generally just a bunch of unmotivated, lazy, unambitious bags of crazy. To all you birds lucky enough to still be under 18, there’s still time: the future of humanity rests in your hands! Remember: hope is only a treadmill and a box of rice crackers away.

(Thanks again, GorillaMask.)