Translates roughly as “Sexy swimwear for the weekend”. Very roughly. Haha. “Woughly. Stwike him, Centuwion. And fwow him to the gwound”. If you don’t get it, you’re comedically disadvantaged. Watch this movie.

Alright. Back to basics. And by “basics”, I guess I mean…um, I give up. I don’t know what I mean. But here’s some special Friday sexiness because I know you’re aching for it. Strictly, strictly nsfw.

What’s this all about then, hmmmm? What are these filthy sluts trying to do to us? I have to try and work here – I can’t afford to waste my morning distracted by these wanton Jezebels. We know why they’re smiling (it’s because they’re excited for all the dripping monkey sex they’re going to be having this weekend, dumbass). These are the ladies my mother should’ve warned me about.

How do we know that these whores are open for the carnal equivalent of a Boxing Day sale? Why, they’re wearing WholesomeWear swimwear, of course. Go and slam your penis in a door if you hadn’t realised this by now.

What are these crazies trying to sell here? Ok, “swimwear that highlights the face, not the body” – we get that bit. That’s just AdSpeak for cozzies for fat chicks or girls with elephantitis of the hips, boobular acne, outie-buttons, weeping abdominal sores or other sexy disfigurements. Get real. Hell, even the Taliban are campaigning for the rights of women not to be subject to this crap.

The “girl” in the middle is wearing WholesomeWear’s “slimming line” of swimwear. Pause. Where’s the laugh track? Wait, it’s not a joke? Um, isn’t the “slimming line” supposed to make you look less fat? Oh, wait. That’s right. It’s designed to highlight the face, not the body. The thing about fat girls, you see, is that quite a few of them have fat faces too. Nature’s a bitch. Maybe you should design a line of swimwear that highlights the personality instead? I’m thinking a full-cover neoprene suit with a clown face painted on. That’s for girls who think they’re quite funny. Or maybe a suit with a cute feline face painted on. That’s for the girl who realises she’ll die alone, surrounded by stinking, mangy cats who’ll ultimately feast on her rotting corpse once they click that the Epol supply has dried up. I like her sexy “looking off into the distance” pose. I know what she’s thinking: “Check out those hunks in the distance – they’re running so fast! It must be my sexy new costume. Now if only I could work out why they’re getting smaller and smaller…”.

The one on the right is doing something clever with string. I’d love to know what it is. Is she fishing? Good girl. I’d like my hake battered with chips and mushy peas, please. My vests also need washing when you get round to it. Those ketchup and wank stains aren’t going to remove themselves! Good girl.

Incidentally, these lovely hessian robes are made of Spandex (hessian Spandex). I’m guessing a shrewd Bangladeshi boy could whittle at least 50 thongs out of one of those suits. There’s profits to be made here! I’m buying stock and moving to an Asian orphanage. Big time here I come!

Ugh. Enough. I must get back to work. Go and find your own porn today. Here’s a good start.