God, this is a tough question.

Let´s set the scene: I´m pretty wasted. I just watched the newest Die Hard movie (review to come), and I´m torn. John McClane is a fucking demon. If you have´t seen the flick, you have no fucking idea. But then again…Jack Bauer. He´s no dirt-tracker. And he´s my gay hero.

So here´s the referendum. To be followed by a complete dissection in the next week or so.

Who would kick who´s ass in a deathmatch? Bruce Willis as John McClane or Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer? God…the questions we pose ourselves. Life is fucking tough!

Right now, I think the most important categories under contention are:

1: Sexiness: (guys, you want to be him; chicks, you want to…get to know him better)
2: Arch-villains faced: Hans Gruber versus Habib Marwan – let´s think about it a bit?
3: Armageddon factor: Valencia nuke or online firestorm?
4: Characteristic quip (and timing thereof!): “Yippee-kay-ya-mofo” or, um, “Dammit!!”?
5: Governmental clearance: FBI or President Wayne Palmer?
6: Body-on-the-line factor: hell, let´s face it – Jack was tortured by the Chinese for two years…but McClane?
7: Yankee patriotism: who´s more important – country or daughter? Tough call, tough call.

Let´s hear it. I want to know. The world wants to know. Who would survive in a battle to the death? Please send responses, suggestions, complaints, naked photos to splattermail@gmail.com. We´re excited to hear/see from you. Naked photos especially, please. They kick Jack and John in the nads. Which is saying a lot.

You´ll be hearing from me. But Vivian is beckoning right now. Later, skaters.