You’d think this story would be great. I sure as hell did. Until I read it. Then I wasn’t so sure. I feel like a doos for finding bits of it slightly amusing, but I sure as fuck wouldn’t want to be the victim.

Spokesperson for Tonga police station, Constable Mzwandile Nyambi, said police had opened an attempted murder and rape case.

“It is the first time that our police station has had to attend to this kind of case. We don’t even know whether to call it rape or indecent assault,” she said.

She said the young man was very brave to report what had happened to him.

Hell, I agree. Very, very brave. The poor bastard. All of the others got food and he only got a lousy soft drink. Why the fuck should a comment like that even feature in the story?

Distasteful jokes aside, as fantastic as the prospect of being bullied around by 3 naked women sounds, I’m not too sure that the birds in question were quite of the calibre that any red-blooded male would be prepared to accept. Which makes the whole ordeal sound incredibly unpleasant. And the guns don’t make things any better.

I guess I’ll just stick to my Red Shoe Diary fantasies. After I finish boinking the horned-up Victoria’s Secret girls who’re busy oiling themselves down in my bedroom.