Kate Beckinsale is one of my favourite chicks on the scene at the moment. She’s definitely one of the sexiest actresses in the business and she can lay down the smut-talk better than most, which equals 2 phat ticks in “The Salami’s Wife-Hunt Checklist”. Try this on for size (taken from a recent interview):

Question: You told an interviewer you’d rather eat a vagina than sushi. When stuff you say makes headlines, what’s the reaction of your publicity team?

Kate: I have to say, sushi freaks me out more than almost anything. At least a vagina would be warm. [laughs] My publicist has literally turned a funny color and is going to go have a lie-down. He’s throwing up now, as well. I find a lot of things kind of funny and I often say what’s on my mind, and then get nine texts from all my friends going, “What’s the matter with you?” But I haven’t ever made a big attempt to have any particular image. And I don’t really worry about it.

I couldn’t agree more, apart from the fact that I happen to love sushi, which I guess is a major contradiction. I wish she’d test her hypothesis on my vagina. It’s the warmest one around, although perhaps a little bit musty these days. And not unlike an old dog-blanket: infested with fleas and reeking of dried saliva and rotting meat, but still a cosy surprise for any bitch reckless enough to slide her nose between the folds.

Which, if Kate is to be believed, is nothing compared to the rapture that lurks between her thighs.

Saucy Kate…says her best asset is so private she can’t name it out loud or show it in public.

The Brit actress, 34, made the cryptic comment by saying: “Mmmm. My best feature is unfortunately a private matter… I’m told it’s spectacular.

“But you can’t really walk it down the red carpet. But what can I say?”

Beckinsale paid herself the cheeky compliment during an interview with US beauty magazine, Allure. The actress, who appears on the front cover of the March issue, also refers to her nether regions as “Pharaoh’s tomb.”

Complaining she was called a “slut” when she split from Brit actor Michael Sheen to begin her romance with director husband Len Wisemen, she says: “Boyfriends? In my life I have had three. Three.

“Only a handful of people have seen into the Pharaoh’s tomb.”

Don’t worry, darling. You’ve said enough. Almost. Another article goes further to explain that she then used a word not fit for printing to identify her spectularity. We’ve chatted about it a bit and decided that the “C”-bomb might have been a little OTT, so we settled on good old fashioned “pussy”. Kate Beckinsale told a reporter that her pussy was spectacular. Glorious.

I want my babies to come out of that thing. I want to watch over the obstetrician’s shoulder at the Jean Michel Jarre extravaganza that heralds the dawning of my legacy as it strides forth from Kate’s cornucopia of wonderment. Sorry, “Pharoah’s Tomb”. Mmmmm.

Naturally, I want to have my koek and eat it too. So impregnation will have to wait until I’ve gorged myself on, well, her gorge. Aaah. I’m so glad that she’s shared these details with us, but knowing I’ll probably never experience her for myself just makes living that much more unbearable. Kate Beckinsale is a very sweet poison indeed!