Big news for South African music is that sweet and wholesome local band Freshlyground picked up an award at the MTV Europe Music Awards in Copenhagen on Thursday. Well, done Freshlyground. A hearty congratulations to you.
Of course, winning the award for Best African Act is sort of like beating your gran at Scrabble: the competition’s not up to shit and no-one really cares. But well done, Freshlyground: in claiming your prize, you beat such leading international acts as “Nigerian R&B twins P-Square, Tanzanian bongo flava star Juma Nature, Angolan R&B sensation Anselmo Ralph [and] Kenyan hip-hop artist Nameless“. What an extraordinary achievement! I am so impressed I could just shit myself again. Wow. You are now, officially, not the kakkest band in Africa!
Sure, it’s nice that South Africa actually won something, but I think it goes without saying that I am not a Freshlyground fan. But if it doesn’t, let me say it expressly: I am not a Freshlyground fan. I have nothing against Freshlyground; I just have something against the thousands of upper-class South African whites who have adopted the English speaking/singing, multiracial (but noticeably pasty) act as their token African cultural interest. The music is “African”, but not kwaito; it’s got violins and shit; it has a black lead singer: Freshlyground is accessable, non-offensive, saccharine pop whose “indigenous” flavour is decidely dilute, presented by an ensemble with as much collective cool as the guy who plays the organ in school assembly. Frankly, I think the band is dull, edgeless, soulless, overplayed and annoying.
Ok. Maybe I do have something against them.
In brief, Freshlyground is the Mango Groove of the new millenium: same formula, same sound, same happy-go-lucky bullshit, same stupid fucking hype. I was bitching about this specific parallel to a particulalry sexy Saffa belter on Friday night, and was informed last night by dishy South African rock sensation, Justin TimberBergh, that Freshlyground in fact comprises members of the original Mango Groove lineup. Yes! The Bergh may be many things to many people, but a liar he is not. Course, a quick Wikipedia check didn’t support Justin’s info, but what the hell does Wikipedia know anyway?
Right. Here we go: fuck you, Freshlyground! You’re pulling the same cheesy tricks on South African audiences that uber-kak Mango Groove got away with during the eighties. But you’re not fooling the salami. No, sirree! And I can’t wait until your inane and mercilessly irritating Doobeedoobeedoobadaa becomes the next Dance Some More. I will laugh hard, and I will not be laughing with you.