Here’s a happy Jerry Springer couple if ever I heard one:

Ness City, Kansas – A man whose girlfriend sat on a toilet for so long that the seat adhered to her body will spend six months on probation.

Kory McFarren pleaded no contest last month to a misdemeanor count of mistreatment of a dependent adult. A judge sentenced him on Tuesday to six months in jail but granted the probation after the victim, Pam Babcock, asked for leniency.

Babcock’s plight became known in February when McFarren called the Ness County sheriff, expressing concern about his live-in girlfriend. When authorities arrived, they found Babcock physically stuck to the toilet.

McFarren told police Babcock had refused to come out of the bathroom for two years. Medical personnel estimated she had been sitting on the toilet for at least a month and said the seat had adhered to sores on her body.

Also on Tuesday, McFarren was sentenced to six months in jail for an unrelated charge of lewd and lascivious behavior for exposing himself to a teenage neighbour in March. (IOL)

Mmmm. “Adhered to sores on her body” – sounds like a catch. A very selfish catch, mind you. Spare a thought for poor Kory who wasn’t able to take a dump for a month. Ladies, I realise that many of you only excrete about twice a week and you’ll never manage to appreciate the tingly thrill of a fresh steamer sliding across a prostate, but imagine pleasuring yourself whilst eating a bowl of brandy-laced dark chocolate mousse with fresh whipped cream, wearing your new pair of Manolo Blahniks and watching The Notebook or Legends Of The Fall. Got it? It feels good, yes? Well, you’re close to understanding man’s affinity with turd. The greatest love a man will ever know characteristically comprises an hour of assbreaking labour and his first glimpse of a 7-pound food baby snuggling down in its watery cot. Beautiful.

But we’re straying.

Can you really blame Kory for flashing teenagers? After all, his chick’s cooter was off-limits to anything that isn’t able to wiggle through a U-bend (I understand that rats don’t give the best cunnilingus) and he’s unlikely to be the hottest specimen of the more attractive sex around seeing as his girlfriend is Moby Dick’s fat older sister. At least once he hits the slammer Kory will have unrestricted access to all the fucking and shitting he can handle. BaddaBING!

All this talk has made me broody. I’ll be back in 45.