Hell’s bells! What is this and where the fuck did it crawl out of? I could swear I heard cockroaches behind me screaming in horror when I opened this image. It almost made my penis run…and in the Reebok, not the Brooklax, sense of the word.

It’s always kinda bittersweet when you see a scheleb hottie without her warpaint: it makes you realise that beauty truly is only few inches of makeup deep…and that realisation makes me quite depressed.

This is what the abomination above looks like after a two-hour Battle Royale with Estee Lauder and Loreal. Not bad. But then you wake up in the morning after a night of passion to find a mottled harpy leering down at you over a crooked, gummy grin…and you understand that life is actually just a pile of shit dressed up as chocolate cake. And sometimes it doesn’t even bother with the pretence.

I’m not actually as bitter as I sound. Ugly girls just make me miserable.