I’m guessing a number of you will have already heard the toe-curling voicemails left on Olga’s phone by the mysterious Dimitri the Douchebag. But if you haven’t, and you’re up for a crash-course in How To Scare The Bejesus Out Of The Ladies, have a listen to this awesome ballsup:

The clip is accompanied by the following blurb:

The back story on this is that a girl named Olga was out with her friends in the Marina district of San Francisco (known for being a popular hang out for douches), and she talked to this guy named Dmitri for all of two minutes. Then she gave him her card and said “give me a call.” The above is the messages he left. Listen to the whole thing, it just keeps getting better and better. I won’t even tell you my favorite parts because i don’t want to ruin anything. Just listen.

Well, it turns out that Dimitri aka Dimitri the Lover aka James Sears (apparently his real name) has been on the scene for a while and considers himself something of a pick-up artist (or PUA, as those of you’ve read “The Game” will appreciate). And yes – he has his own website. Oh boy!

It also turns out that our Dimitri has a somewhat troubled past, and there’s no shortage of filth circulating in Khyberspace about him. The Toronto Sun confirms this exciting fact:

A disgraced Toronto doctor who had his medical licence stripped for repeated sexual misconduct 16 years ago has hung out a new shingle: Sex guru.

Yip. That sounds about right. Here’s some advice he dishes out to a punter who complains that he struggles to approach women:

According to Dmitri, Canadian men suppress their natural sexuality because the media tells them that being assertive of “macho” is equal to being abusive.

He advocates a more “European” approach to picking up women.

Dimitri tells the guy that compliments are his best bet if he wants to land her in bed.

He’s suddenly authoritative — the way cops interrogate suspects.

“Smile and go up to a woman and tell her she’s beautiful, make up some shit,” he says. “I swear, when they start flipping their hair, you know you can hit on them.”

Apparently grocery stores are a haven for loose and frustrated women, and babes in the city are a lot more uptight than suburban women.

“Downtown Oakville is full of chicks,” Dimitri says. Some of the guys have begun taking notes.

“Lots of nice cougars,” he continues. “But the best is Oshawa Centre … a lot of them work in the GM plant and they make really good money. They’re not looking for sugar daddies.”

The most promiscuous women, according to Dimitri’s website, are saleswomen (especially real estate agents), nannies, schoolteachers (especially elementary and early childhood education), nurses and lawyers (criminal and civil litigation in particular).

Heck, Dimitri knows he’s a total cock:

“Although I am a perverted sex pig, I am the most non-misogynistic man you will ever meet”.

“Non-misogynistic”. Whatever. Man, the article goes on and on – read it through for yourself if you’ve got the time and the inclination. Here’s a little more:

He entered medical school at the University of Toronto in 1983. Within two years, at age 22, he came under scrutiny from psychiatrists for erratic behaviour.

By 1986, Sears was in the Canadian Armed Forces and while still a third-year medical student was evaluated by a military psychiatrist who suggested there was “something seriously wrong” with Sears.

He was shunned by fellow students because of his behaviour. A female officer complained he repeatedly tried to enter her room, and military police found “a can of Mace, several knives, two empty smoke grenade canisters and an electronic stun gun” in his room following an incident.

During his internship at Doctors Hospital in Toronto, Sears skipped duties, drank while on call, indulged in “inappropriate self-use of prescription drugs,” according to the College hearing record.

Sears was judged “immature” in a subsequent psychiatric assessment and it was noted he displayed “inappropriate behaviour towards female staff members,” and was viewed by peers as “un -trustworthy, cynical and narcissistic.”

There, “record was made of numerous, random and obsessive telephone calls to women during which he would sometimes masturbate,” and evidence suggested “prescribable substance abuse,” according to the College hearing records.

He apparently found military medicine boring, “which led to compulsive masturbation up to six times per day, which was accomplished by going off to the washroom in between patients,” the records state.

Yowzers. Suddenly those hilarious voicemails aren’t seeming so whack after all. It’s all part of Dimitri’s M.O. And I’m willing to bet he’s nailed more chicks than any of us. Now we know whose fault that is. Ladies, ladies, ladies – how and why is it that total cockpumps like Dimitri manage to get so many shots? What is wrong with you? It’s all quite depressing.

I’m going to take a page out of Dimtri’s Book of Whackness. If this shit works for this asshole, it better fucking work for me too, because I’m going jerk for a while. Sweaty bedsheets here I come!