To be honest, I’m very disappointed that a throw-away post I wrote when I first arrived in Rio about 10 months ago is still receiving tons of hits daily and attracting some strongly-worded comments. Clearly it touched a nerve. It hurts when you touch a nerve, I’m sure you’ll agree. It pyns when your hairy-fisted dentist drills a little too deep into your festering cavity, doesn’t it? Not to mention what happens when he eventually gets round to fixing your teeth!

So I’ve decided I’d like to set the record straight. Some people were offended that I didn’t think much of 30 Seconds To Mars. Well, I’ve reconsidered my position. Perhaps time has mellowed me. Perhaps my tastes have matured. I’d like to think I’m a better person than I was when I wrote that post. So here it is:

30 Seconds To Mars are an abomination. They are unquestionably the most worthless, disgraceful, bowel-turning, eye-ball-raking, projectile-blood-vomitting thing to have happened to music since Helen Keller’s speed-metal phase. I would rather eat my own faeces, excrete it, lather it over the belly of a really, really fat old woman and then lick it up whilst simultaneously enduring an equine DP…*breathe*…than listen to a full 30STM (or whatever their lobotomised groupies call them) album.

Seriously. Come on, people. They’re actually really crap. 30STM – WTF!?

I’m so mad right now I can actually feel the blood in my eyes fizzing.

Arguably the biggest joke about 30STM (I’m going to keep this up) is that they take themselves so fucking seriously. Have you seen their music videos? They must cost a fortune! Their tone-deaf label could’ve saved a whole fuckload of money by just giving me $100,000 to crap in an icecream cone – at the very least it would’ve been money better spent. And what’s with all the black make-up, clothes, ladies gloves and butt-plugs? Is it because they spend most of their lives at Dungeons And Dragons conventions? I don’t get it.

And then there’s this other shit that people have been plastering all over my comments section. “Provehito in altum”? What the fuck is that? “I have a zero-fat grainy cracker stuck in my doet”? What fucking band has their own lame motto? JEEZ!! Who are these guys? Scientologists!? Paedophiles!? Both!!?? I don’t even know which is worse! I wouldn’t be surprised if after this I get a nasty letter from Tom Cruise demanding that I refrain in future from tarnishing the respectability of his church by affiliating it with filth of this calibre.

I did my homework (i.e. Wikipedia) and checked the meaning of their little mantra:

The band’s phoenix logo (which the band named “Mithra”) bears the phrase “Provehito in Altum”, the band’s motto. Roughly translated from Latin, this means “Launch forth into the deep”; but a more stylized version would be “Rocket in(to) High(ness)”. The logo was primarily used for promotion of the band’s debut, whereas for A Beautiful Lie, the new Trinity logo was created consisting of three skulls, along with the band’s name and motto.

They have their own bloody bird too!? Called Mithra!? Does it happen to be a Class 1 Asspipe with 3 XP, -2 Armour and +5 Damage from Magical Turdfire Attacks? God! This is so pathetic that even Dungeons And Dragons are considering changing their name to “That Dork Game That Is Not Quite As Gay As 30STM”. “Rocket into Highness”!? HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Maybe if they stopped being gigantic knobheads and focused on the music they’d realise that they should actually just find day jobs. They could start a little factory that makes 20-sided dice or something. “Provehito in Altum”. God. It reminds me a little of Al Gore in South Park. “Excelsior”!

Remember, sheep-people and East Randers: just because they’re popular doesn’t mean they’re good. Lou Bega was popular once. So were Steps. And Milli Vanilli. I urge you: don’t buy the gimmick! Save yourselves. There is so much beautiful music in the world.

Believe you me – this is not a wanton rant. I listen to shitloads of music and never before have I suffered so much hype for so little talent. 30STM represent everything bad about commercialism. Don’t buy what MTV tries to sell to you. Form your own opinions, for fucksakes. The internet is an amazing place. Have a little “surf” of your own. You will do better. And you will lead a richer life because of it.

Excelsior!