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When Jessica Alba and I make eye contact through the glossy pages of a magazine, a strange thing happens: time slows down, the world suddenly takes on softer hues, smoke gets in my eyes and, from somewhere in the distance, Prince kicks into? “The Most Beautiful Girl in the World” and plucks gently [...]

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We’re talking about Monica Leigh, Playboy’s cyber girl of the year. Check it out (nsfw warning).
Well, I hope everyone had a lovely Freedom Day. It was a relatively quiet-yet-enjoyable day for the salami. But for all of you bastards who lucked out in taking today off as well (and scoring yourself a special 5-day weekend), [...]

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Wow! If you haven’t been keeping up? with the latest Charlie Sheen / Denise Richards divorce saga (yes, they’ve been divorced once before), now’s a really good time to start getting more involved. I strongly recommened that you put on some fluffy socks, chuck some popcorn in the microwave and snuggle up in front of [...]

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If I had to align Splattermail with a South African magazine, it would probably be FHM. Or Heat. Or FHeatM, if there was such a magazine (I think that there should be).
So imagine my surprise? when I? heard that we had been featured in the latest edition of Marie Claire. “Marie Claire!?”, I asked myself. [...]

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If you’re looking for a lovely, romantic excuse to tuck into your dolly’s gristly bits in the darkened recesses of a cinema…take her to watch Ice Age 2 or Yours, Mine and Ours or something. I can strongly recommend that you keep her away from Hostel at all costs, unless the prospect of digging her [...]

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And to think the salami turned down a job in Amsterdam only a week ago.
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Bridget Maasland recently appeared in the Dutch version of Playboy (I think its called Schpeelseun or something). She is very, very attractive. Especially in the picture where she has her hand over her bajingo. Man, that’s one lucky hand!
I [...]

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Thanks, Harps. I like it.

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That’s how long it took the Salami to run from Dean Street in Newlands up to the rugby fields at UCT on Saturday morning. Of course, my time would have been a lot better had I not been slowed down by thousands of fucking morons who decided to follow me on my run, or if [...]

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The big day has finally come. Katie Holmes has eventually plopped out the devil spawn of Tom Cruise and, frankly, I’m fucking relieved. The whole ordeal has been very trying for me. Maybe now we can shift our focus? to other, more important things, like weapons of mass destruction, starvation in East Africa and establishing [...]

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Boy. I managed to seriously bruise my brain at the Blues Room last night. I feel like death warmed over…and then hit in the head with a sledgehammer and thrown into one of those horrible, horrible spinning shell rides that they have at amusement parks. Are you feeling me with this? Can you empathise?
But that’s [...]

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