smg forwarded this to me yesterday and I almost wet myself. Chronic incontinence is a debilitating affliction, let me tell you. But get a load of this awesome story and then ask yourself: if you were inside a thirteen-year-old again and managed to sort yourself out an inexhaustible line of credit, what would you do? A young yank did exceptionally well. I’m thinking a room full of flat-screens (no corner left unplasma’d), a shipping container full of porn, a porta-pool of Clean and Clear, two fire extinguishers, a rubber noose, petting zoo, trampoline and a vat of chocolate milk. Now leave me alone. I’m going to concentrate my most special vision ever into existence.

Here are some choice extracts from what is probably the news story of the year. I strongly recommend you head over here and read the whole thing, though.

A 13 year old from Texas who stole his Dad’s credit card and ordered two hookers from an escort agency, has today been convicted of fraud and given a three year community order.

Ralph Hardy, a 13 year old from Newark, Texas confessed to ordering an extra credit card from his father’s existing credit card company, and took his friends on a $30,000 spending spree, culminating in playing “Halo” on an Xbox with a couple of hookers in a Texas motel.

Wait, wait. It’s perfect as it is, but it gets even perfecter.

Police said they were alerted to the motel by a concerned delivery clerk, whom after delivering supplies of Dr Pepper, Fritos and Oreos had been asked by the kids where they could score some chicks and were willing to pay. They explained they had just made a big score at a “World of Warcraft” tournament and wanted to get some relaxation.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I just crapped myself. Again. “Score some chicks”!? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! It’s awesome!

It gets perfecter squared.

Asked why he ordered two escorts, Ralph said he thought it was the thing to do when you win a “World of Warcraft” tournament. They told the suspicious working girls they were people of restricted growth working with a traveling circus, and as State law does not allow those with disabilities to be discriminated against they had no right to refuse them.

Where do I start, huh? WHERE DO I START!!?? That’s what you do when you win a “World of Warcraft” tournament? Is it true? Is that what successful nerds do? Hell, that’s what I would do. Surely they should try and tap some of the pit birds first – they have pit birds in the WoW, don’t they? Either that or head over to the online winners enclosure and rustle up themselves some fat, sweaty 40-year-old baldy-paedos masquerading as spicy, moist wood-sprites for a huge cyber wank. Actually, I might do that as well.

Man, I haven’t even got round to the “people of restricted growth”. These kids are fucking amazing! I lived with a “person of restricted growth” (aka Toadie, Toadwart, the Dwarf, Dwergie, Short-Stop, the Book-End, Side Table, Where Did He Go?) for three years and didn’t once think of using that angle to get away with ridiculous shit. Someone’s clearly been doing their home-work. And as long as I’m not paying, I reckon they deserve their day of fun for such creative thinking. On all counts.

My heroes. I want to invite them over to my place for a slumber party. But no Halo. It’ll have to be Call Of Duty. Sorry boys.