I don’t really know where to begin with this one, but it doesn’t really matter, because there isn’t a helluva lot to say about it. 10,000 B.C. is absolute crap. If I’d actually paid to see it, I would’ve been tempted to go and ask for my money back from the cashier.

Writer/director Roland Emmerich has perfected the art of manufacturing cheesy, brainless cash cows over the last decade or so, peaking with the likes of Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow, but his latest mess is something of a retarded return through the Stargate of his so-named Hollywood debut. A tribe of surprisingly advanced and dreadlocked hunters living in some snowy mountains gets overrun by a band of marauding equestrians dressed in purple. The main character, some idiot with a silly name, sets out with a couple of mates to rescue their tribesmen and his girlfriend, who is pretty fucking hot for a cavegirl, and along their way they team up with a bunch of other tribes to face down the menace of the purple-people.

Oh, yes. There are pyramids and mammoths in this movie. And a cheese-fed sabre-tooth tiger. And some nasty giant emus. In fact, the CG is the only redeeming feature of this steaming pile of turd. Everything else is abominable. The actors, the dialogue, the story – all vomitous.

Let me urge you not to do what I did. I love a good blockbuster as much as the next sucker, but do not go and watch this movie just to see what all the fuss is about (it’s made over $61 million in ten days in the States alone). You will regret it. Just trust me, ok? Thanks.

Useless info: bits of it were filmed in South Africa and Namibia, which probably explains why it’s so kak. And why one of the cavemen looks quite a bit like Leon Schuster in a rasta wig and Dubbin. Ugh.