Oooh, scandal!

“Batman” star Christian Bale has denied allegations of assault made by his mother and sister, hours after he was arrested, questioned by London police and released.

The actor spent four hours at a police station Tuesday, but was not charged. British media had reported that Bale’s mother, Jenny, and sister Sharon complained he had assaulted them at the Dorchester Hotel in London on Sunday night, a day before the European premiere of “The Dark Knight.” (more)

Not the best time to be smacking up your family, Christian Bale. You’ve got a little movie to promote and the bosses will not be impressed in the slightest by this dirty development.

Or could this be some kind of bizarre publicity stunt? Very, very creative.

Not exactly new if you live in the UK, but for the benefit of those less fortunate here’s Heinz’s Deli Mayo commercial that was pulled from the telly a month or so ago after pea-brained, inbred parents complained that they objected to having to explain homosexuality to their young kids.

The salami’s proposition: if you can spot the gay in this ad, you’re a narrow-minded bigot. I don’t want to have to tell you all to look a little deeper, but apparently there’s a fat chunk of losers who can’t see beyond face value.

Oh, well - there go the ratings. And my lunch.

17-year-old Chloe Marshall is making history this weekend as she becomes the first ever size 16 girl to take part in the Miss England final. (more)

Some retards folk think that a move like this is progressive. Well, those people should all be invited to a big warehouse party and then napalmed. Progressive shmogrpressive. Decline and fall, I say. Rather, I propose a class action law suit against the MIss England producers for corrupting societal standards. One fat girl this year means a whole fucking smorgasbord of cellulite by 2018. It’s just sending the wrong message to young girls - if fat becomes the new skinny, what the fuck is going to step up and become the new fat? This!?

Fine, maybe I’m being a tad punchy in my cynicisim, but I’m just concerned about our children and our children’s children and our children’s children’s children. Obesity is a slippery enough slope as it is (gravity really doesn’t help either), and giving people the A-Ok to chow down is only going to translate into a vicious legacy of flab. As a race, we’re fatter than we’ve ever been - surely we should be taking hardline steps to fix this!? The First World’s a chubby, lazy place and a well-honed body requires a smart, conservative appetite (more food for the third world and an enhanced immune system), exercise (longevity and a decreased burden on national health systems, allowing for a more efficient fiscal reallocation) and grooming (hot attracts hot, begets hot). It’s simple fucking evolution, people! Fuck education, unemployment, AIDS and Tom Cruise - get everyone looking hot, and we’ll be fucking flying.

It’s. That. Easy.

Don’t get me wrong - I’m not necessarily looking to hook up with Skeletor’s sister. Curves get my bone on. I’m just begging you all to ignore the SuperSize Miss England propaganda mumbo-jumbo BS. You don’t believe in WMDs, moon landings, “no new taxes”, Noah and his ark, that The Hills is real or that Jacob Zuma hasn’t dabbled in a bit of fraud, so why listen to the establishment now?

All I’m asking is that you rather listen to your hearts. The answer is as obvious as the saddlebags on Miss Top-Left: fat=evil, thin=good.

Ooooooooooooh.

Bring it on.

Turboskank Sienna Miller sluts it up with married sort-of-actor Balthazar Getty in Italy.

In case you were wondering, Balthazar played Ralph in 1990’s Lord Of The Flies and is the great-grandson of tycoon J. Paul Getty. Which qualifies him to administer manual mammograms.

The “blunkin”, courtesy of Harold And Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay (your parents and girlfriend will love this film!):

The act of receiving fellatio while sitting on the toilet.

Apparently the term’s been around for years already.

My week is officially now made.

Prior to opening in the US at midnight on Thursday, Warner’s Bros The Dark Knight was being billed as the most hyped movie in history. That’s a lot to live up to. Pre-release reviews, however, were almost unanimous in their praise of Christopher Nolan’s second Batman movie, indicating perhaps that the hype is entirely justified.

If the critics weren’t evidence enough, The Dark Knight has now broken at least two box office records: biggest take for a midnight debut ($18.5 million) and - more impressively - the highest opening weekend gross ever, racking up $155.4 million and beating Spiderman 3’s $151.1 million into second spot.

Nice going, Batman! Strong press, psychotic marketing and massive interest in Heath Ledger’s supposedly Oscar-worthy portrayal as the Joker should give The Dark Knight long legs in theatres, so look for this one to beat the box-office pedigrees of the likes of the Spiderman and Pirates Of The Caribbean franchises. Can’t see it topping 1997’s Titanic (which to date boasts in the region of $1.8 billion in grosses), but it will be massive.

UPDATE: Shortly after going to press, The Dark Knight’s weekend stats were upped to $158.4 million. Bada-boom.

Carrie Bradshaw has finally buckled under public pressure and has gotten herself some reconstructive facial surgery. Good. She also had her trademark chin-mole removed. Better.

The rumour mill went into overdrive when she attended a baseball game at Yankee Stadium with Sheryl Crow on Tuesday, seemingly without her disgusting melanoma. Sheryl Crow was reportedly seriously pissed that she was left to carry the Ugly Facial Deformity banner alone. Cindy Crawford has also piped up, vowing never to speak to SJP again. Ewan MacGregor and Enrique Iglesias have stepped up to support her decision.

Sarah Jessica Parker’s mole has refused to comment, although its representatives have indicated that it is thrilled to have finally undergone its long-awaited SJPectomy. The mole was spotted canoodling with hubby Matthew Broderick in Central Park yesterday evening.

Shame. Lest we forget SJP as we got to know and despise her on Sex And The City, here’s a shot of Whiney McWhinington at her smokingest.

Seems like Gisele is trying to give our Marisa a run for her money. Her cheeks are so hot they’ve burnt two delicious wounds in her pants. I wonder where she keeps her wallet and car keys?

Click here for more of Gisele in one of her hottest shoots in a long time.

Turbo-paced, gravity-defying, sanguine-splattered and morally ambivalent: this is “Wanted” in a nut-shell. The film marks Angelina Jolie’s returns to the action mould as heavily-tatted assassin Fox who is charged with rescuing nobody Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy making his timely Hollywood blockbuster debut) from a miserable existence and inducting him into the folds of the Fraternity, a secret clan of killers headed by Morgan Freeman’s Sloan, in which Wesley’s absent father had been the golden boy before his calculated betrayal and murder.

That’s pretty much all you need to know to get a feel for what we’re talking about. Is it a bit of a “Matrix” knock-off? Absolutely. But then again, the premise on which the “Matrix” relies is hardly new. “Wanted”, like “Matrix”, like “Star Wars” - hell, like “Lord Of The Rings” and, dare I say it, the New Testament - is based on the ancient blockbuster formula of Average Joe who is plucked from his Average Life by a Wise Old Teacher and introduced to a World Of Magic And Mystery through which he realises his Ultimate Potential and experiences a Life-Affirming Realisation. The formula is as old as humanity itself, but there’s a reason why it reappears over and over again in popular culture - because it’s fucking awesome and we’re all fucking nuts for the idea that each of us could be the next Neo or Wesley Gibson. Weave in the perfunctory Freudian/Oedipal threads, add a relatively original spin and you’ve got Cinema Gold, baby. Welcome to Blockbusters R Us plc. Ta daa - “Wanted”.

So is it all that different from the centuries of noise that preceded it? To put it simply: yes. It’s had some iffy reviews, but I quite liked it.

“Wanted” more than earns its 18 restriction and is chock with gore, blood, bullets and knives. The stunts are Matrix-esque and the things that Wesley and his mates can do with cars will make your eyes bleed. The relentless action, however, does come at a price - Russian director Timur Bekmambetov (”Night Watch”, “Day Watch”) struggles a bit with the dialogue, which feels forced throughout (McAvoy’s cringe-worthy yank accent doesn’t help), and the heavy soundtrack is perhaps a little cheesy. But the Ruskie does bring a decidedly un-American, Machiavellian feel to the comic-inspired picture which makes for a refreshing change from the wealth of US competition that the movie faces within its genre.

The last twenty or so minutes of “Wanted” are arguably its finest. A lot of the seemingly scrappy loose-ends and plot-holes from the rest of the movie suddenly come together as events and preconceptions are artfully twisted and turned. McAvoy’s mandatory Keanu Reeves showdown is executed with a flair that would make John Woo cream his pants, and the film’s closing sequence masterfully completes a relatively well-concealed circle on a number of levels, leaving the audience with a sweet, satisfactory aftertaste. We’ll just agree to forget about the movie’s silly final quip.

Whilst “Wanted” does suffer in certain departments, it is thoroughly entertaining and offers mindless, bloody escapism in gigantic, heady dollops. If this sort of shit is up your street, check it out.

Oh yes - you also see Angie’s naked ass. Nice.